When is a refrigerator door not a refrigerator door?

So, for no discernible reason the door of my freeze has stopped closing properly. The seal is just not sealing.

This leads to everything in the freezer being covered in a bit of frost as, to it's credit, the cooling element valiantly tries to counter act the freezer's new open door policy.

This is not, I admit a big issue, as it is solved by just slamming the hell out of the door when you close it.

Still...it's yet another design failure.

Alternate Use #9

The casing for your time machine.

In truth, I've already done this. I was building my time machine and realized that the attractive stainless steel exterior of my own GE appliance was exactly the outer shell my delicate electronics needed. It wasn't functioning as a refrigerator so I decided to turn it into a MACHINE OF THE FUTURE!

Or the past. It's totally your choice, I put in a little knob that has a variety of dates you can chose from.

I'm actually going to try it out this afternoon. If you are reading this and the United States won the Revolutionary War, you know my experiment was a success!

Ahem...

GE has reported that profits for the last quarter were down 35%.

Now...I'm not saying there is a correlation, but their drop in profits matches up just about perfectly with the time I started this blog.

Okay, I am totally saying there is a correlation.

I can't decide if I should extort money from the other multinational conglomerates (lest I turn my godlike powers in their direction) or build myself a hidden bunker in order to avoid the assassin squads the aforementioned multinational conglomerates are sure to send after me.

I suppose I could do both.

Alternate Use #8

Dropping on the Real Housewives of New York City.


Because, these women are, without a doubt, the worst people on the entire planet. Kim Jong-il thinks they are despicable and deluded. I heard that Hilter and Jeffery Dahmer were watching telvision in hell and Satan allowed them to change the channel when this show came on because not even he, the Lord of Flies himself, could take more than five minutes of the torment which is anything to do with these women.

Believe it or not, suggesting that someone should drop a major household appliance on them is actually me stepping back a bit.

I was originally going to suggest that a GE refrigerator would be awesome for storing the dismembered body parts of these plasticine, self-centered, harridans but after reflection, I decided against posting that.

I mean, the freezer would stop working and those bitches would spoil.

Alternate Use #7

Devastatingly effective soapbox derby car.

Alternate Use #6

Cover in a firefight.

Alternate Use #5

Fancy coffin.

Alternate Use #4

Paperweight.

Marketing!

A fan of gerefrigeratorssuck.com, who I just made up, recently asked me "Patrick, is there any circumstance where you would recommend someone purchase a GE refrigerator?"

The short answer is, "no."

But that doesn't make for a very good blog entry. So the longer answer is, "Hells no!"

However, I feel like I should qualify that statement.

I know that this seems like heresy, but I'm a realist. There are, I admit, some situations in which it probably is okay to own a General Electric refrigerator.

For example, let's say you are one of the indigenous peoples who have traditionally inhabited the circumpolar region from eastern Siberia, across Alaska and Canada, and all of Greenland.

You're an Eskimo, in other words. You live in a igloo (as Eskimo do) which is a lovely place to raise a family but which lacks both a high ceiling and electricity. There is nothing to stop you from purchasing a GE refrigerator and putting it outside your dwelling. I suspect that it would keep your food perfectly cold under these conditions.
So you could have all your (of legal drinking age) seal friends over for adult beverages and would never have to worry about running out of ice cubes or your polar bear burgers spoiling!

This is, as far as I am aware, a completely untapped market for GE. Sales could be in the tens!

We're coming for you, Exxon!

Alternate Use #3

Best hide and seek spot, ever!

We Live To Serve!

I'm not just all about the sarcasm. I want to help.

In this Sunday's paper there was an article about how GE is no longer in the race to be the world's most valuable business. From 2002 to 2006, GE and Exxon Mobile were locked in a battle to claim the title of the company with the highest market capitalization. Recently, however, Exxon Mobile has been kicking the crap out of our beloved GE. Exxon now is worth approximately $366 billion and GE is a paltry $95 billion.

Now...I'm not saying there is a direct correlation but...GE's fortunes seemed to have taken a dip right around the time I started having refrigerator issues. I feel a little responsible.

However, I am optimistic! I think that with a little hard work, GE can get right back in the fight and really stick it to Exxon! They've just got to tighten their corporate belts a little.

Now, as it relates to the refrigerator division, there probably aren't a lot more corners to cut. The refrigerators already seem to be constructed with fourth hand parts scrounged from third world garbage dumps. They can't be spending a lot there.

However, it occurred to me that GE spends a lot of money sending people to my home to fix my refrigerator.

I mean...their gasoline bill alone traveling from their service center to my place of residence has got to run them fifty dollars a year. Luckily for them, I am a thinker and have an elegant solution to this problem.

They should open a new service center in my kitchen.

It's win-win! Keeping my refrigerator running is turning out to be a fairly major yearly expense for them and this cuts down on a lot of that capital outlay. That's money they can put towards catching up with Exxon. I get a service technician on call 5 days a week, which means the only times I will lose food is when the thing breaks down on Saturday and Sunday!

I'll even bring the service technician coffee in the mornings.

Let's work together GE! Let's bring this good thing to life!

Alternate Uses #2

Is your kid having a birthday party? Well, your GE refrigerator probably won't be much help when it comes to keeping any of the delicious treats you've fixed for the occasion fresh. All is not lost though!




Children love the fun and surprise of a pinata!

Alternate Use #1

Does your GE refrigerator not actually do as much refrigerating as you'd like? Never fear, all is not lost!



In the event of a flood, you can use it as a canoe!

And away we go!

I am, you may have guessed, somewhat frustrated.

A little over four years ago I bought a General Electric, Side by Side Refrigerator/Freezer, Model # GSL22JFPDBS.

It's a handsome looking appliance. It stands tall and proud in my kitchen, its stainless steel face radiating the shining hope of a modern, high-tech future when everything, even our pets, are covered in stainless steel.

Unfortunately, a good amount of time it is also radiating heat. From inside. I grant you that I am no scientist. I have a degree in English, of all things, and so matters of electronics and mechanics and physics are somewhat foreign to me.

Even in my ignorance, however, I understand that the primary function, the raison d'etra if you will, of a refrigerator is to keep food cold. To keep frozen food in its frozen state. To do all of these things without breaking so often that I have more service calls to fix the refrigerator than I have years of refrigerator ownership.

Some highlights:

The main motor fails. Well, not fails exactly, but rather starts making a constant, high pitched whine that can be heard all over the house. All the time. Twenty-four hours a day. Have someone stand next to you and have them go "Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." and you'll get a sense of what I am talking about.

Something else breaks which causes the defrost cycle to not defrost. As a result the entire freezer section- the walls of the freezer section, all the food, everything- is covered in a sheet of ice. This, paradoxically, keeps the freezer wonderfully cold but makes the refrigerator rather hot.

Later, the control board malfunctions, causing something (it was never made clear to me exactly what) in the fridge to sound exactly like a weed whacker. I'm not exaggerating about this. I thought some nice neighbor had entered my yard and was trimming my bushes for me. When I called customer support I simply held the phone up near the door. They were amazed and horrified.

Most recently, it just stopped being cold. I discovered this via the cunning use of yogurt. I woke up, grabbed some yogurt (apple pie flavor, if you must know) took a bite and thought to myself "Self...is yogurt supposed to be warm?" It's not. On the upside I didn't have to fill the dogs' water bowl, because all of the ice had melted and so they were busying themselves lapping up the puddles. They are helpful.

I've had four or five service calls all for different things. At this point I think a good 70% of the appliance's original parts have been replaced.

I find this painful for a variety of reasons. First, and most obviously, when I purchase an appliance I expect to to perform the function for which I purchased it. My stove helps me warm up food. My dishwasher? It washes dishes. So on the most basic level, my refrigerator doesn't do what a refrigerator is supposed to do, or at least does it so sporadically as to make eating anything from it like playing e coli roulette. It's like having a ticking timebomb in my kitchen, except instead of exploding it's just going to ruin all my food and give me diarrhea. So not exactly like a ticking timebomb, but you get my point.

But also, they make these things in my hometown. My grandfather worked his entire life for GE. I bought a GE refrigerator specifically because of these factors. I feel personally hurt and betrayed. I trusted you GE...I trusted you.

It pains me to come to this conclusion, but GE refrigerators suck.

As a disclaimer, I should note that the GE Customer Service people have been as decent and as helpful as a cog in a giant multinational corporation can be. They at least act like they are embarassed about the situation, even though they apparently can't do much about it. I get my service calls for free now, which is nice I admit. The obvious problem is, of course, that I didn't buy the refrigerator in order to get free service calls but to keep all my food from becoming massive breeding grounds for bacteria. Also, some ice occasionally would be nice.

They have offered to sell me a new GE refrigerator at a discount. We laugh about that, the customer service people and I, because no one can explain why I would spend even more money on a product which is clearly a piece of junk. If every time I got in my car a big, spring loaded boxing glove popped out from below the steering wheel and punched in my boyparts, I wouldn't buy another one of those same cars simply because the dealer knocked a little off the price.

Anyway...I've decided to start this blog in order to help other GE refrigerator owners or people who are thinking of purchasing one (don't).

Check this space for helpful hints as to alternate uses for your GE refrigerator, guidelines for buying a GE refrigerator and suggestions as to how GE can improve their service all around.

It'll be more fun than a mouthful of tepid yougurt!